What Are You Trying to Tell Me?
by crematosis
Summary: Tony is pregnant with Bucky's baby and immediately starts searching for creative ways to break the news to him. Too bad Bucky completely misunderstands all of his attempts.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: So, this is my first time writing Bucky/Tony. I've written Steve/Bucky/Tony before, but never just the two of them so it's been interesting figuring out the dynamics of their relationship. Welp, hope it comes out as funny as I intended. Poor oblivious Bucky.

Disclaimer: written as an avengerkink fill, so the general plot is someone else's idea...but I decided on all the wacky ideas Tony would find on the internet. It's amazing all the different ways people announce a pregnancy and I grabbed as many ideas as I could.

The first morning Tony threw up, he was quick to attribute it to food poisoning from Clint's terrible attempt at lasagna the night before. But when he was still throwing up two days later, he reluctantly admitted that he was sick.

But that didn't mean he was going to stop working. Nope, he didn't have time for that shit. It was just a minor stomach flu. He could just power through and he would be fine.

Too bad Bucky didn't agree with him. And because his mate could really be a bastard sometimes, he just had to tell Steve he wasn't feeling well. Steve had immediately gone into mother hen mode, trying to convince him to take a nap on the couch, insisting on checking his temperature every few hours, and making worried comments about taking him to the doctor if he wasn't any better after a few days. It was fucking annoying. It was like Steve had forgotten illness was usually nothing more than a minor inconvenience for a few days and not something fatal.

He was not that sick, thank you very much. Yes, throwing up every morning sucked. But he felt fine for the most part. Okay, so maybe he had to work down in the lab with a bowl on his desk because sometimes the smell of Bruce's curry made him nauseous again. And maybe he wasn't leaving the house because the scent of car exhaust made him vomit, too. But really, he was doing just fine. Steve needed to back off and just let him work.

On the fifth day of his illness, Bucky came down to the lab with a bowl of chicken noodle soup Steve had made. And suddenly even the smell of soup was too much. Tony gripped the edge of his barf bowl and just retched while Bucky stroked his back and murmured soothingly to him.

"I'm sorry," Bucky said after Tony finished heaving. He dumped the chicken soup into the disposal bin. "I'll tell Steve you're not up for any food right now."

"Don't you dare," Tony said. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "He'll want me fucking bedridden or something."

Bucky rolled his eyes. "He's just making sure you're taking care of yourself. Someone has to."

"You should take care of me," Tony said petulantly. "You're my mate."

"I am taking care of you." Bucky nuzzled into his neck. "If you promise to take it easy for the rest of the day, I'll tell Steve you ate every bite. Deal?"

Tony sighed heavily. "Okay, okay. I guess I'll let you blackmail me this once." He pushed his chair back from the desk. "As long as you come up with something to keep me entertained the rest of the day."

A mischievous look flitted across Bucky's face and then he schooled his face into a neutral expression. "Oh, that shouldn't be too hard," he said. "Maybe we can get Clint, Nat, and Loki to play a couple games of poker."

"Hell no. Loki cheats."

Bucky shrugged. "Well, I'm sure we'll think of something," he said. He put his arm around Tony's shoulder and carefully led him over to the stairs.

Tony had been reluctant to leave the lab, but he didn't mind crashing on the couch for a few hours watching movies with Bucky and Clint. Steve had walked in while they were watching The Wolf of Wall Street and immediately backed out with a look of horror on his face. And they had all dissolved into giggles. So, maybe the day hadn't been totally wasted.

After dinner, he was still in a good enough mood to let Bucky carry him up to bed and crawl in beside him. He refused to go to sleep earlier than midnight. Being in bed before ten was bad enough. But at least there was plenty of cuddling and making out and heavy petting before Bucky remembered he was sick and shouldn't be exerting himself.

Excuses, excuses. He was lucky Tony was letting him get away with it.

He woke up early the next morning and after another round of vomiting, made his way down to the lab.

Bucky showed up three hours later, looking irritated. "Tony, what the hell are you doing?"

"Getting things done," Tony said, as if it should be obvious. "I did it your way yesterday and it didn't help. So back to work."

Bucky sighed. "I really hate when you do this kind of thing." He waved a paper in the air. "I've got orders from SHIELD. Sam and I are going to be gone for a week hunting this tiny Hydra base somewhere up in the hills. And I know you're not going to look after yourself while I'm gone."

"Are you really going to go off and leave your poor mate all alone in this condition?" Tony said, trying to look as pitiful as possible.

"Maybe if you tried taking it easy for a few days, you'd actually get better," Bucky said with an eyebrow waggle. "What a concept."

"Shut up," Tony growled. "You mock my pain."

"Always," Bucky said affectionately. He kissed Tony's forehead. "Seriously, babe. Try and take it easy while I'm gone. Get some sleep, drink plenty of fluids, and all that good stuff."

Tony rolled his eyes. "I'm not that sick, okay?"

"I still want you taking care of yourself. Don't make me sic Steve on you," Bucky threatened.

Tony flipped him off. "Just go. I'll be fine."

"That's what I like to hear." Bucky leaned in for another quick kiss. "You get better for me so when I get back I don't have to worry about you anymore."

Tony offered him a sloppy salute. Bucky was going to be gone for at least a week. Of course he was going to be healthy again when he came back.

But a few days into Bucky's mission, he was still waking up nauseous.

Okay, so maybe he was a little sicker than he had thought.

But he wasn't going to tell Steve that. Steve didn't see him throwing up every morning and since he was hiding in the workshop most of the day, Steve didn't know that he usually threw up a few times in the afternoons, too. For all Steve knew, Tony was actually getting better.

If only it were true. Tony was really tired of this illness nonsense.

He was a superhero, for fuck's sake. He had been stabbed, punched, shot, and nearly drowned more times than he could count. And he had always bounced back from his injuries without a lot of fuss. He hadn't even had to see a doctor more than once or twice. Which made this stupid lingering flu all the more embarrassing.

"This is getting ridiculous," Tony muttered as he paced the bedroom, rubbing his stomach. "Is it really possible for someone to have the flu for two weeks straight?"

"Doubtful, Sir," Jarvis said. "I believe the condition you are experiencing is called pregnancy."

Tony froze. "No," he said. "No way."

He rushed into the bathroom and began pawing through the medicine cabinet for the pack of pregnancy tests Thor had forced him to buy for Darcy because she had been freaking out about a little weight gain. She turned out not to be pregnant, but the good thing was that there were leftover tests.

"You do recall your last heat cycle, don't you, Sir?"

As if he could ever forget it. It had been one of the strongest heats he had ever gone through. He had been working in the lab when the heat cramps hit him like a sledgehammer and all he could do was crumple in the corner and try to breathe until Bucky had come flying down the stairs with a wild, feral look in his eyes. And it had felt so good to be taken right on the floor, over a lab table, against a wall, and in the elevator when Jarvis had finally gotten through to them that they would be more comfortable riding out the heat cycle in a bed.

And things had gotten even better in bed. Bucky had wrung orgasm after orgasm out of him, kissing, biting, licking, and sucking on every bit of skin he could find. Until Tony couldn't think anymore. Until all he could do was gaze into those glassy brown eyes, listen to that beautiful husky voice calling him his, and feel Bucky's cock throbbing deep inside him. It had really been magical.

In between bouts of sex, they devoured granola bars Steve had left outside the door. For once, Steve's meddling had been appropriate. Because they were both far too gone to even think about cooking anything.

Everyone said there was no correlation between the intensity of a heat and fertility, but really, if he was to get pregnant, it would have to be during the most explosive sex of his life. Because it just had to work that way.

Tony sucked in a breath as the two little blue lines showed up on all three of the pregnancy tests. If there was ever an time to freak out and vomit, it was now. But he felt strangely calm. Thinking about the baby growing inside just gave him a warm, fuzzy feeling.

Girl, boy, alpha, omega. It didn't matter. The important thing was that it would be his and Bucky's baby. Something wonderful they had created together.

"Sir?" Jarvis prodded. "Are you going to be alright?"

Tony shook himself. "Yeah, I'm fine. Actually, no, I'm fantastic." His face split into a grin."I'm going to be a mother, Jarvis. Can you believe it?"

"I believe it, Sir."

Tony beamed. "Ooh, I can't wait to tell Bucky."

But he couldn't just _tell_ him. That would be boring. He needed to break the news with some kind of planned announcement. Something cute and funny that would make Bucky laugh about how silly he was. And then rush home and embrace him and tell him how excited he was that they were going to be parents.

That was the plan anyway.

But he needed brain food to come up with an idea. Aha, food. That was it. Everyone always did cute things with food.

He hurried down to the kitchen, taking the stairs two at a time.

Natasha was sitting at the counter, humming to herself as she browsed through one of her new recipe books. She looked up in startled surprise as he walked in. "Tony?

Tony breezed past her and started rummaging through the pantry. There had to be a jar of Prego sauce in there somewhere.

Natasha raised an eyebrow. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing," he said. "Don't worry about it."

"If you tell me what you're looking for, I can help you find it so you won't need to demolish our-"

"No need. I found it." Tony positioned the jar in front of his stomach and snapped a picture. "There," he said triumphantly. He texted the picture to Bucky.

"Uh-oh," Natasha said. "When people start photographing Prego jars it only means one thing."

"It's not an uh-oh," Tony said indignantly. "It's a beautiful miracle of life."

Natasha's expression softened. "Of course it is. I was referring to the cheesy pregnancy announcement."

"Oh, come on," Tony said. "I'm only going to be able to do this once. Might as well have fun with it. And you know Bucky has a pretty good sense of humor. He'll get a kick out of it."

Natasha's eyes narrowed. "This is how you're telling Bucky?" She shook her head. "I can't even begin to-"

Tony's phone buzzed and he glanced down at it. Bucky had texted back, "Mmm, Italian. Glad you're feeling better."

"Fuck," Tony said. "Bucky didn't get it."

"Good," Natasha said. "Now you can find something more creative. Everyone does the Prego jar."

Tony huffed. Something more creative, she said. Well, he was going to fucking show her. He was going to come up with the most fucking creative pregnancy announcement there ever was.


	2. Chapter 2

It turned out being creative was a lot harder than it looked. Especially since he was so excited about the baby. He just wanted Bucky to know and share in his excitement, which made it hard to take the time to come up with a plan.

By the next morning, he still didn't have any brilliant ideas, but he was too impatient to wait any longer.

He opened a container of cinnamon buns, placed one on a cookie sheet and slid it into the oven. He snapped a picture of himself grinning and pointing to it. Bucky sent back a picture of himself looking excited about a plate of waffles.

"Oh, for fuck's sake," he growled.

"Taking food pictures for Instagram, I see."

"Gah." Tony quickly looked over his shoulder and spotted Loki lounging by the fridge. "How long have you been there?"

"Long enough," Loki said with a sly grin. "What are you up to, Stark?"

"Nothing you should be concerned about," Tony said firmly. Because Loki was probably just going to laugh at his struggles. He could be a little bastard sometimes.

Loki shrugged. "As you wish. I was going to help you with your pregnancy announcement, but if you don't want-"

Tony groaned. "Okay, okay. How did you know it was a pregnancy announcement?"

"I think it should be fairly obvious. The bun in the oven. It's a pretty common method of conveying the news on your planet."

"So how come Bucky doesn't get it?"

"Some people just don't grasp subtlety. My brother, for example. I spent most of my teenage years trying to kill him in increasingly complex ways and he just laughed all of them off as silly pranks. For him to finally take me seriously, I actually had to-"

"Yeah, that's great," Tony said. "But you did say you were going to help me, right?"

Loki's eyes narrowed briefly, annoyed at being interrupted. But then he smiled, wide and dangerous. "Of course. What are friends for?" He gestured to the kitchen table. "Let's discuss your little problem in greater detail."

Tony swallowed. He had a feeling he was about to walk into a trap, but that was a pretty normal reaction when he was interacting with Loki. So he took a seat at the table and watched Loki carefully.

Loki steepled his fingers in front of him. "Now, the first thing you have to understand is that your mate isn't the brightest of bulbs."

"Bucky's not-"

"Silence," Loki hissed. "Do you want my help or not?"

Tony huffed. "Okay, okay."

"As I was saying, your mate won't understand all these little references. He's bound to take everything literally. So there's no point in waiting for him to understand that the cinnamon bun in the oven refers to a baby. To him, it will never be anything more than a picture of a cinnamon bun."

"Yeah, I got that," Tony said. "So what do I do now?"

"You proceed as if you want to break the news of your pregnancy to Thor," Loki said sagely. "Don't rely on any popular sayings or references to get the message across. Any photograph you decide to use must be of an actual baby or baby items. And then you can add whatever message you wish."

"Well, that doesn't sound like much fun," Tony muttered.

"Trust me," Loki said. "It's the only way he'll understand."

After Loki left, presumably to show up unexpectedly and terrify somebody else, Tony had a lot of thinking to do. He still really, really, really wanted to do something cute and fun. Just sending Bucky a picture of a baby and saying, "Look what we're going to have!" was boring. But he was sure there were plenty of ways to use a picture of a baby, or baby-related things to break the news.

He pulled out his phone and began scrolling through his Facebook feed. Most of his employees were following him on Facebook and with a company as large as Stark Industries, quite a few people were pregnant at any given time. There had to be a whole boatload of announcement ideas just floating out there.

He was faintly amused by all the eviction notices people served their babies, but he couldn't do that because he had no idea what his due date was yet. Note to self: visit doctor and find that out.

He also liked the pictures of baby shoes captioned with "Our family is growing by two feet". But like Loki said, it was probably best to stay away from the cutesy sayings. He didn't want to have to strangle Bucky when he misinterpreted the phrase to mean a literal two feet.

The best idea he saw was from a young couple that had taken two pictures of themselves standing next to a wall. In one picture, the woman's shadow was digitally altered with a pregnant belly.

He could do that easy. And it was a much better idea than the Prego jar or the cinnamon bun.

Tony went down to the lab and took a few photos of him standing next to a blank wall, adjusting the lighting to make sure his shadow was visible. After a brief moment in Photoshop, he had a perfect picture.

He sent it along to Bucky with the text, "This will be me in a few months."

And he was really looking forward to that, having his stomach round and full with child.

Bucky texted back, "If you keep eating cinnamon rolls every day :p jk"

Tony groaned. Maybe Loki was right. Maybe he did need to be a lot more obvious.

"Jarvis, make a note," he said. "I'm going shopping. Gotta pick up some damn baby stuff to take pictures of."

"Excellent, Sir. And might I suggest picking up some prenatal vitamins while you're out?"

"I got this, J. God, you're as bad as Steve."

"Thank you, Sir. I have always aspired to be just like the Captain."

Tony rolled his eyes. He was going to have to look into Jarvis' programming later. Of all people, he wanted to take after Steve instead of his magnificent creator? Nope, there had to be something wrong with him.

But that could wait until later. Breaking the news to Bucky was the important thing.

He left for the store right after a quick lunch. It was a bright, sunny day and he was feeling really optimistic about his chances.

Until Jarvis started up the car for him and he found himself on hands and knees, vomiting onto the garage floor.

And now he remembered why he hadn't left the house in a week.

"I'll have one of the bots clean this up," Jarvis said. "In the meantime, perhaps one of the others could do the shopping for you."

"Hell no. Then they'd ask why I'm buying baby stuff and I'd have to tell them and I'm just not ready for that yet." It was bad enough that Loki and Natasha already knew. He didn't want everybody else knowing he was pregnant before his own mate. That was just wrong.

"As you wish, Sir."

Since he was still feeling nauseous, Tony's first stop was the grocery store to buy ginger-ale and crackers to settle his stomach. He also made sure to grab a bottle of prenatal vitamins so Jarvis would get off his back.

He really wanted ice cream, but since he had just thrown up, it probably wasn't a good idea. Better to have crackers and chicken noodle soup for a little bit and see if he could hold that down. The baby needed him to eat plenty of good, healthy food. The ice cream had to wait until he was actually eating regularly again.

He gave the frozen aisle a wistful look as he passed by. But then he saw the bags of ice at the end of the row.

And he suddenly had another brilliant idea.

Tony settled two large bags of ice on the ground and posed beside them with a hand over his stomach. It was silly and clever and definitely a step up from a Prego jar.

Bucky sent him a text with several question marks and "Do we really need that much ice? We still had plenty when I left."

Tony pinched the bridge of his nose. Okay, he wasn't going to blame Bucky for this one. He didn't grow up hearing Vanilla Ice. And somehow Tony had overlooked that one-hit wonder when he was explaining 90s music to him.

"Never mind," he texted back. "Forgot we still had some."

He spent the rest of the shopping trip in a grumpy mood. He went ahead and tossed ice cream and a couple packs of cookies into his cart because his stomach would stabilize eventually, and when it did, he wanted some damn chocolate chip cookies and mint chip ice cream to dull the pain of dealing with Bucky. At least he had something to look forward to.

As he was pulling out of the parking lot, he spotted a sign out of the corner of his eye that said, "Bump Ahead."

He made a quick U-turn and pulled over to the side of the road.

"Yes, this is perfect," he said, rubbing his hands together with glee. He leaned against the sign and snapped a photo.

"Where are you at?" Bucky asked.

"6th Street. Right across from Vons."

"Oh. I thought you had actually taken a road trip somewhere. Why are you taking pictures of random street signs?"

"It's not a random street sign. Did you actually look at it?"

There was nothing for a few minutes, probably as Bucky took the time to study the picture a little more closely. When he finally texted back, he said, "You're talking about the picture of the two bumps on the bottom, right? How they always look like a pair of boobs? I've noticed that years ago, babe."

Tony huffed and threw his phone back into the car. Okay, forget it. He was going to just go straight home and have his ice cream, nausea be damned.

He was pulling into the garage when he realized he hadn't actually bought any baby stuff to take pictures of.

Well, at least he had remembered the vitamins


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning, Tony woke up more determined than ever. He wolfed down a bowl of oatmeal with brown sugar and maple syrup drizzled on top and one of his new vitamins, and then went back to work scouring the internet for new ideas.

He settled on a picture of a baby wearing a bright red and yellow superhero costume, complete with cape and mask. "Every superhero needs a sidekick," he captioned it.

"Nice try," Bucky responded. "But I'm not your sidekick. And I wouldn't be caught dead in something like that."

Tony groaned. Why did Bucky have to make this so difficult?

Steve wandered into the kitchen in a pair of sweats. "Good morning, Tony," he said, reaching into the fridge for his usual post-run water bottle.

Tony sighed. "It's not a good morning. Your best friend is an idiot."

"Uhhh," Steve said, looking a little wary. "Who are we talking about?"

Tony rolled his eyes. "Bucky, of course. He's a fucking moron."

"What did he do now?"

He shoved his phone into Steve's hands. "I sent him all these pictures and he still doesn't fucking get it."

Steve frowned and started scrolling through the pictures. After a few seconds, his eyes went wide and he looked up from the screen. "Tony, are you...?" He put a hand over his stomach.

Tony nodded.

Steve's face split into a wide smile. "Congratulations. I'm so happy for you both. I know you'll make great parents."

"Yep," Tony said cheerfully. "So you can stop worrying about me now. It was only morning sickness."

"Are you kidding?" Steve said with a playful grin. "I have to worry even more." He gently rubbed Tony's stomach. "Because I'm worrying about two people now."

Tony closed his eyes and hummed with contentment. "That feels really nice. Can't wait till Bucky gets a clue so he can do this for me, too." And he couldn't wait until he was actually showing so everyone would want to rub his stomach.

"Bucky still doesn't know?" Steve said with surprise. "Oh, that's right. After all those pictures, he still doesn't get it." He shook his head. "I'll have a talk with him."

"No, no, no," Tony said. "I have to tell him myself."

"Relax," Steve said. "I'm not going to tell him. I'll just suggest to him that he needs to pay a little more attention to what you're trying to tell him with all these texts. See if he gets the idea when he considers all the photos at once, not just as separate images, but as part of one big message."

Tony exhaled noisily. "Yeah, okay. That might work. Thanks, Steve."

Steve patted his shoulder. "Don't worry, Tony. He'll get it eventually. But since he's coming home in a few days, you might want to tell him in person. I've learned that you can't read a person's tone very well through a text."

"I sent him pictures," Tony growled. "A picture doesn't have a tone."

Steve shrugged. "I guess Buck's interpreting all these texts as random observations you're sharing with him instead of important news. But you corner him in person, make sure he knows you're about to tell him something big, and then he'll get it. Trust me."

Tony smiled weakly. Loki had said the same thing. He was beginning to think that was code for someone not knowing what the hell they were talking about.

Still, it couldn't hurt to wait a little and try it Steve's way.

On Monday, Bucky returned from his mission and Tony was there to greet him as he walked in the door.

He wrapped his arms around Bucky's neck and breathed in his scent. The man was infuriating sometimes, but he was still his mate and Tony was happy to have him home again.

"You missed me, didn't you?" Bucky murmured, nuzzling against his ear.

"Duh. Do you even have to ask?"

Bucky chuckled. "Of course not. Steve already told me."

"Steve told you I missed you," Tony said, fighting to keep his voice and expression neutral. If this kept up, he was going to have to kill somebody.

"Oh, don't be like that," Bucky said. "I knew you missed me. But Steve told me to really think about all the texts you've been sending me. And I did. And I realized this is the longest we've been apart since I claimed you."

"You're right," Tony said. Now that he thought about it, he and Bucky had been pretty inseparable since they became mates. He had gone on a couple minor business trips and Bucky had been on a three-day mission. But they hadn't spent weeks apart since they began dating.

Bucky nipped at his earlobe. "I think I understand now. All those little texts throughout the day was your way of involving me in your day since I couldn't be there myself. And I'm really grateful. It felt just like I was there with you. And now I wish I had sent you more about what I was doing."

"Not necessary," Tony murmured. "You were working on top secret stuff and I know you can't just stop in the middle of a fight to-"

Bucky cupped his face and stroked a thumb over his cheek. "I'm still sorry I couldn't do more. Let me make it up to you, babe."

It was a tempting offer. After a long week of frustration, it would be nice to just lay back and let Bucky give him a massage followed by a few rounds of sex. But first, he had to break the news to Bucky. Because once his mate realized there was something to really celebrate, the sex would be ten times better.

Tony rested his hands on Bucky's shoulders."There are some things you just can't tell people in a text message. And this is one of them." He lowered his voice. "I've got some very exciting news and I want you to hear it from me first." He paused for a moment to make sure Bucky looked suitably curious. "Our team is going to gain a new member in a few months."

"Awesome," Bucky said. "Finally talked Rhodey into becoming a permanent member?"

Tony frowned. "What? No, I'm talking about someone a lot smaller."

"Really? I thought Ant-Man was already in talks with...oh, wait, I know who you're talking about. Ant-Man's girlfriend, Whatshername. Uh, Wasp. Yeah, that's it. Awesome." He pulled Tony into a hug. "I'm so glad you're getting more people to join us, but shouldn't you be telling Steve about this?"

"Should I be telling Steve?" Tony spluttered. "Should I be...you know what, never mind." He pushed Bucky away and stalked down the hall.

"I'm proud of you, babe," Bucky called after him.

"Fucking stupid dumbass," Tony muttered under his breath. "Fucking idiot. How can anybody be this dense?"

The hallway vent creaked and then Clint dropped down onto the floor in front of him."We're not really recruiting Wasp, are we?" he asked.

"Nope," Tony said through gritted teeth.

"So, who is it? Anybody we know?"

Tony squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. "You'll meet them in about seven months."

"I see." Clint nodded knowingly. "If the rest of us don't know them, must be a relative of yours."

"Let's cut the bullshit, Barton. Tell me you know what's happening."

Clint shrugged. "You're either knocked up or you're looking up a long-lost sibling."

Tony sighed. "The first option."

"Yes!" Clint said delightedly. "No more gross heat cycles for the rest of the year."

Tony raised an eyebrow.

"I mean, not that it's gross for you," Clint clarified hastily. "I'm sure for you and Bucky it's great and I'm happy for you two, really. But you realize the rest of us have to smell your stink all over the Tower and I mean, all over the Tower."

Tony smirked. "I know."

Since he was claimed, his pheromones would only arouse Bucky. Everyone else would be repulsed by the scent. It was just a natural defense to make sure no one took someone's mate when they were helpless in the throes of heat. Tony had never paid much attention in biology class so he wasn't exactly sure how he smelled to everyone else and he was a little curious how another omega would smell to him now that he was mated. But at the moment, he had more important things on his mind.

He gave Clint a sidelong look. "You don't have any ideas, do you?" He doubted it, but it couldn't hurt to ask.

Clint shrugged. "Ask Steve. He's our tactician, after all."

Tony sighed. "I already talked to Steve."

"And he didn't have any ideas, either? Wow."

"Oh, he had an idea. But it was a stupid idea and it didn't work."

"Plan B, then?"

"Which means?"

"Try something else. Come on, Tony, you're good at adapting the plan on the fly. If it didn't work, you need to change your approach."

"I did change my approach," Tony growled. "I've changed my fucking approach more times than I can count. And he still doesn't get it."

Clint shrugged. "Then I don't know what to tell you. Ask Steve."

Tony groaned. "Goddamnit, Barton. You're useless."


	4. Chapter 4

It took Tony all of two hours to swallow his pride and go back to Steve for more advice.

Steve listened to him rant and rave for ten minutes about Bucky's stupidity before he finally said, "I really don't know what you expected. If you tell him we're getting another teammate, of course he's going to assume we're actually getting a new teammate."

"You told me it would work," Tony said accusingly.

"I never said anything about referring to the baby as a new teammate. That was all your idea."

"But you told me if I talked to him all serious business that he'd actually listen to me."

"A new teammate is a serious matter, too, Tony." He sighed and shook his head. "You're making this a lot harder than it needs to be."

"Then make it easier," Tony hissed. "You've known him a lot longer than I have. What does it take to get through to him?"

"I already explained it to you, Stark."

Tony craned his neck upwards until he spotted Loki on top of the book shelf. "Okay, I tried your idea," he said. "I found a picture of a baby in a superhero outfit, even. What could be more obvious? But Bucky thought I wanted him to wear the outfit."

Steve and Loki both sighed and shook their heads.

"The situation is more serious than I thought," Loki said. "Perhaps we should consult Phil."

For some unfathomable reason, Loki and the agent were the best of friends now. They played chess together, had long philosophical debates, and went to dumb things like the opera and philharmonic symphony together. It was all really unsettling and Tony half-hoped it was all some elaborate game of "keep your enemies closer" and they were actually secretly plotting against each other.

"We're not telling Coulson," Tony said firmly.

"Why not? He's used to dealing with the idiots at SHIELD on a regular basis. I'm sure he could come up with a plan for you."

"Because I don't want all of SHIELD knowing about this. Someone overhears me talking to Agent, they start gossiping with their buddies and soon every damn person knows. And some idiot will congratulate Bucky on knocking me up and I swear I will kill whoever tells Bucky before I do."

"I'll be happy to assist you with that," Loki said pleasantly. "I have a nice selection of daggers to choose from."

"Don't listen to Loki," Steve said. "You just need to have another talk with him."

Loki rolled his eyes. "Oh, sure, don't listen to Loki. But when you inevitably fail, Stark, you'll wish you had one of my daggers in hand." He vanished in a puff of green smoke.

Steve clapped his hands on Tony's shoulders. "You can do this," he said. "Without violence."

Tony smiled faintly. He would certainly try. But he wasn't making any promises.

"Alright, I'll leave you to it," Steve said as he gathered up his towel and water bottle for the gym. "Update me on how it goes."

Tony rubbed his hands together. "Okay, Jarvis. Where's Bucky?"

"In your shared bathroom, Sir. He has just emerged from the shower."

Ooh, that was a sight Tony had definitely missed. Bucky with just a towel around his waist, hair plastered against his cheeks, water dripping down his chest. If he got upstairs fast enough, he might be able to...

No, he couldn't. How was he going to have a serious conversation with his mate when all he wanted to do was lick his abs? As much as it killed him, he was going to have to wait.

He heaved a sigh. "Let me know when he's dressed."

Fifteen minutes later, Jarvis gave the all-clear and Tony headed upstairs to their room. He carefully pushed open the door to the bathroom and his heart dropped as he saw Bucky sitting on the edge of the counter, idly playing with the bottle of prenatal vitamins.

"Gah! What are you doing with my vitamins?" He snatched the bottle out of Bucky's hands. Of all the ways for him to find out, stumbling across his prenatal vitamins was probably the worst.

Bucky frowned. "I lost mine in the field so I took one of yours. I didn't know it was that big of a deal."

"Bucky, you can't take these! These are formulated specifically for my nutritional needs. You could be getting an overdose of calcium or magnesium or-"

"Relax," Bucky said. "It won't kill me to take omega vitamins for one day. If I downed the whole bottle, sure. But a few extra milligrams of calcium won't hurt me. I just won't have a glass of milk tomorrow and it'll all even out." He kissed Tony's forehead. "I'll buy myself some more vitamins tomorrow. I promise."

Tony offered him a weak smile and a mumbled excuse about having to pee. Once he shut the door behind him, he sank to the floor and breathed a sigh of relief. Just this once, he was grateful Bucky was such an idiot.


	5. Chapter 5

Tony didn't have another chance to get Bucky alone the rest of the day. The team had decided to eat dinner together to celebrate Bucky's return and then everyone wanted to hear about the mission so Bucky had spent an hour or two entertaining the team with stories.

By the time Bucky was ready to call it a night, Tony had given up for the moment. He would have Bucky all to himself in bed, but that really didn't seem like the right time for a serious talk. All he really wanted to do was curl up beside his mate and bask in his warmth. He always slept so much better in Bucky's arms.

When he woke up, Bucky's face was pressed against his back and his arms were around his waist, his hands splayed out across his stomach. So maybe Bucky had no idea what was going on, but at least his instincts were right on the money.

Tony hated to leave the wonderful warmth, but he was ravenous. Probably the baby's fault. With a little careful maneuvering, he wiggled out of Bucky's grasp without waking him.

Down in the kitchen, there was evidence that Steve and Natasha had already had their breakfasts. The smell of the coffee percolating was heavenly and Tony didn't care that it was probably Steve's dumb decaf blend. He poured himself a full cup and savored it slowly until his growling stomach reminded him that he needed to eat.

So he whipped up a big batch of pancake batter. Halfway through cooking, he realized he had made way, way more pancakes than he had thought. But oh well, someone else would always eat the leftovers. There was no shortage of eager eaters in the Tower.

He piled his plate high with pancakes, drizzled them with maple syrup and pancake bits and started shoveling them into his mouth.

Bucky wandered into the kitchen just as Tony was polishing off his plateful. "Wow," he said. "That's a lot of pancakes."

"I'm eating for two," Tony said casually.

"Don't even joke about eating my share," Bucky said. "Not cool, babe." He helped himself to the stack.

Tony's eyes narrowed. No, of course Bucky wouldn't have gotten it. That would have been too easy.

He browsed through his phone until he found a picture of a Starbucks cup next to a baby bottle, captioned "Mommy and Baby". It was such an utterly perfect picture.

"Babe, I want you to take a look at this." He slid the phone across the table to Bucky and rested his chin on his hands, eagerly awaiting his mate's reaction.

Bucky glanced down and sighed as he shoved the phone back. "Right. Because people who don't drink coffee are babies. Thanks, hun. Glad to know you have so much respect for me."

Tony rolled his eyes. "This isn't about you. You drink coffee."

Bucky shook his head. "What do I drink every morning?"

"Orange juice. But that's not the point. I got you a Frappuccino for our anniversary and-"

"It was a Strawberry Crème Frappuccino. No coffee in it."

Tony wrinkled his nose. Now that he thought about it, strawberry-flavored coffee did sound a little weird.

Bucky put his hand over Tony's. "Hydra didn't want me drinking coffee. Sure, it perks you up for awhile, but then there's the caffeine crash. And they wanted me to be 100% at all times. So they trained me out of it. Held a cup in front of me and then beat me if I tried to take a sip. It was effective. Even now I still can't touch the stuff." Bucky's mouth twisted wistfully. "And I used to love coffee."

"Oh my god," Tony said. "I'm so sorry." It was the most tragic thing he had ever heard.

Bucky shrugged. "Considering all I went through, I was bound to come away with a few scars. And if this is the worst of them, I'd say I'm in pretty good shape."

Tony took Bucky's hand in his and squeezed. "You are. I'm so glad you came back from all that."

Bucky gulped down the last of his pancakes and kissed Tony's cheek. "Thanks for breakfast. Now I've got to hunt Nat down. Something about a new move she wants to show me." He hesitated at the look on Tony's face. "Are you okay, babe? You don't look so good."

"It's nothing," Tony said quickly. "Just a migraine."

Bucky shook his head. "You really need to go to the doctor one of these days. I know you hate doctors, but if this sort of thing keeps up, I'll have to haul you in kicking and screaming."

"I'll keep that in mind," Tony said faintly, trying to summon up a smile.

With a last worried glance over his shoulder, Bucky disappeared into the elevator. And Tony collapsed into tears. Bucky was just so good to him. After all the time spent drinking coffee in front of him and basically torturing him, he was still concerned about Tony's health. He didn't deserve this kind of love.

He needed someone he could confess his failures to. Someone who would listen sympathetically, but be stern enough to hold him accountable for all his mistakes.

Steve.

By the time he stumbled down into the gym, he could barely see through the tears. He bumped into a broad chest and when he wiped his eyes enough to see, Steve was looking back at him.

Steve's eyes were wide with concern. "Tony! Are you okay? Is it the baby?"

"Bucky," Tony choked out between sobs.

Steve's expression shifted into his Captain America face. "Did he hurt you?" Even though it had been more two years since Bucky had had any kind of episode, everyone was still prepared for the worst.

Tony shook his head. "Bucky can't drink coffee."

"Uhh," Steve said, his brow furrowed. "That's it?"

Tony burst into fresh tears and Steve gathered him in his arms and stroked his back until he calmed down enough to explain.

"...and all this time I've been taking him to Starbucks and these cute little coffeeshops for dates and I had no idea I was traumatizing him and I just feel terrible about it. I'm a horrible mate," Tony wailed.

Steve patted his back. "You're not a terrible mate. You're just pregnant and hormonal and not thinking straight."

"But I've been drinking all this coffee right in front of him and-"

"Listen to me," Steve said firmly. "I'm sure plenty of high-ranking Hydra officials drank coffee. Probably waved it in his face that he wasn't allowed any," he said with a frown. "But, anyway, they'd want to train Bucky he'd be in trouble if he drank any, not if he saw anybody else drinking any. Why would they want their Asset freaking out and unable to finish a mission just because there's a Starbucks on the route?"

"Well, okay, that kind of makes sense," Tony admitted. "But-"

"And if he couldn't stand the sight of coffee, why would he have chosen you as his mate? I'm pretty sure you have coffee flowing through your veins instead of blood. And on that note, you probably really should cut back for the baby's sake." He gave Tony a disapproving look.

Tony grinned. "Thanks, Steve. You say the nicest things."

"Don't mention it," Steve said. "You're one of my best friends, you know." He clapped a hand on Tony's shoulder. "Take a little time to calm down, gather your thoughts. Then get back out there and keep talking things through with Bucky."

"I don't think this talk thing is working out all that well."

"It'll work," Steve said. "Just-"

"If you say 'trust me' one more time I'm not going to believe another word out of your mouth," Tony warned. "And Captain America will lose all credibility once people realize you're a liar."

Steve rolled his eyes. "Bucky will get it eventually. You can trust me on that. And for your sake, I hope he gets it soon."

"And what's that supposed to mean?" Tony asked indignantly. "You don't think I can handle this on my own? That I'm going to somehow fall apart and fuck up everything unless..." He trailed off as Steve put a hand over his stomach. "Stop that," Tony said. "It's hard to be mad at you when you do that."

"This is what I'm talking about," Steve said. "You want Bucky to do this for you, not me."

Tony nodded vigorously and then felt just a little bad at how quickly he had dismissed Steve. "Well, he's my mate," he said self-consciously. "Not that you're bad at this or anything, because you're actually really good at making me feel better and I appreciate it, I really do. But it's just...Bucky." He made a helpless motion with his hands.

"I know," Steve said. "So that's why you need to make him understand. Don't stop talking until he gets the message. I know you're good at that."

Tony opened his mouth, trying to decide if he was offended or not, and then decided no, Steve was just trying to help. Damn those stupid hormones. "Thanks, Steve," he said with a sheepish smile.

"Again, don't mention it," Steve said. He pointed in the direction of the elevator.

Jarvis helpfully reminded him that Bucky was up on the training floor with Natasha, but Tony took the elevator down to the lab instead. He needed to come up with a new plan of attack. Steve meant well, but he obviously didn't know what he was talking about.

Tony spent a few minutes puttering around in the lab attempting to create some baby toys before he gave up. All he really had to work with was metal and you couldn't make a baby rattle out of metal. He'd need to invest in a bunch of hard plastic and that seemed like way too much work.

He heaved a sigh. "Jarvis-"

"Sergeant Barnes is in the communal den, Sir."

"I wasn't asking you where Bucky was."

"You seem rather uninspired at the moment and it's been my experience that time spent with your mate usually eases your frustrations."

Tony pursed his lips. Maybe spending more time with Bucky would help inspire him on how to broach the subject. It was worth a shot.

He stepped out of the elevator onto the communal floor and spotted Bucky standing in the middle of the den eying a new poster Clint had hung up on the wall.

Tony sidled up beside him. "Darling, what would you say if I told you I was expecting?"

"Expecting what?" Bucky asked warily.

Tony clasped his hands over his stomach. "To hear the patter of little feet soon."

Bucky blinked. "You...you are?"

Tony smiled and nodded. "I know you're surprised. We didn't exactly plan for this, but sometimes you

don't know your life was missing something until everything changes. And trust me, this is going to be really good for us. It's just what this place needs to really feel like home and to make the team feel more like family." He rested his head against Bucky's shoulder. "Won't that be nice? Coming home from a mission and having the little one run up to welcome you back."

Bucky nodded slowly. "You know what? You're absolutely right. And I'm on it."

Tony scrunched up his nose. On it? On what? What the hell was Bucky talking about? "Uh, Buck, I don't think we're on the same page here."

"No, I understand completely," Bucky assured him. He kissed Tony's cheek. "Thanks, babe. I'm glad we had this talk."

Tony could only stand there in frozen shock. He had no idea what Bucky had thought he heard, which made him a little concerned about what he might do.


	6. Chapter 6

Tony hated not knowing what was going. He tried to casually ask questions about Bucky's plans over the next few days, but Bucky just talked about sparring with Natasha, going for runs with Steve, movie nights, restaurants he wanted to try.

But Tony wasn't fooled. Bucky was definitely plotting something major because he was walking around the Tower whistling and smiling to himself. And it was making Tony nervous.

"You don't have to do it, you know," he blurted out one morning as Bucky was getting dressed.

Bucky arched an eyebrow. "Do what?"

"It. Whatever it is that you're going to do." Tony cleared his throat. "Expected might have been a little strong of a word. I don't expect or demand you to do anything for me. It was more of a want than a need."

"And I like getting you things you want," Bucky said affectionately. He nuzzled into the crook of Tony's neck. "I like to keep my mate happy."

Tony hummed contentedly. "I'm happy just having you back from your mission. I miss you when you're gone."

"You do, do you? How much, exactly?"

Tony grinned and slid his hands down Bucky's shirt, unbuttoning all the buttons. "This much," he said, as he ran a hand over Bucky's chest.

Bucky pressed him down against the bed and mouthed at his neck. "I think you can do better than that."

Tony whimpered and arched into his touch. Maybe he was only imagining things, but he was pretty sure his sex drive had only increased since he got pregnant. Every inch of his skin felt delightfully sensitive.

He felt no shame about grabbing hold of the jeans Bucky had just put on and pulling them back off. Mornings were overrated anyway. Why not stay in bed for another hour?

Okay, so maybe it was closer to two hours. Because Bucky had the short refractory period of a young, Hydra-enhanced alpha, after a round of sex, Tony spent some time happily sucking Bucky's dick until he was ready for a second round. And after that, his body was definitely done for the time being. He was too fucked out to even think about getting up, although Bucky was perfectly fine getting up and shrugging back into his clothes.

"Take it easy for a little while," Bucky murmured against his cheek. "I'll be back in a bit with something you'll really like."

Tony was all too happy to laze in bed for a little while longer, until his stomach reminded him that he hadn't had breakfast yet. He had assumed Bucky meant he was bringing food up to him, but he had been gone an awfully long time so he decided he was going to head downstairs to look for him.

There was no sign of Bucky in the kitchen, but he did stumble upon Loki and Coulson playing a game of chess in the den.

"Stark," Loki purred. "Any success with our dear Captain's methods?"

Tony shook his head. "He keeps misinterpreting everything I say."

"Typical," Loki said. He shook his head.

Coulson raised an eyebrow. "Want to fill me in on what's happening?"

"Oh, yes," Loki said. "Show Phil your photographs."

Reluctantly, Tony handed his phone over and brought up the picture of the cinnamon bun in the oven.

Phil studied the picture for a moment and then his eyes flicked upward. "You're pregnant?"

"I told him it was obvious," Loki said with an air of satisfaction. "His mate is just an idiot."

"He's not an idiot," Tony said indignantly. Even though he had pretty much been saying that all week, he still felt obligated to defend Bucky when other people talked bad about him.

"I wouldn't say so," Coulson agreed. "A normal man would have broken down under the sort of torture Hydra put him through, but your mate survived. And when Hydra went down, he had the presence of mind to escape and seek us out. It's really remarkable how quickly he was able to recover. I'd say his healing capabilities are second only to Captain Rogers'."

"Oh, please," Loki said. "Don't tell me you collect his trading cards, too."

"As far as I know, he doesn't have any cards," Coulson said. "Just Cap."

Which was an outrage. Bucky had done plenty of awesome things during the war, too. He deserved at least a few trading cards of his own. Tony was going to have a stern word with the Avengers' merchandising people the next time he saw them.

"Any advice for our dear friend?" Loki asked as he flicked one of Coulson's pawns with a finger, toppling it over.

"Well, you can always try the method Barton's ex-wife used. Hand him a list of as things you want him to pick up at the store, all with 'baby' in the name. Baby carrots, baby back ribs, baby's breath. He'll catch on to that."

"That's a good idea," Tony said. Too bad Clint had neglected to tell him about it.

Phil moved one of his bishops. "Check."

Tony quickly bowed out of the room. He didn't want to stick around if Loki lost.

"Shall I bring up a document down in the lab?" Jarvis inquired.

"Yeah, sounds good." Tony mentally compiled a list of a couple items as he stepped into the elevator. But he was sure with Jarvis' help he could make it a lot longer. And the longer, the better. He needed to really make it obvious to Bucky.

When he arrived down in the lab, Jarvis had printed out a nicely formatted page for the shopping list. Now all Tony needed to do was fill in the blanks. He bent over the table, scribbling down baby corn, baby carrots, baby bok choy. Just thinking about all the delicious foods on the list was making him hungry. Maybe because he still hadn't had breakfast. Damn it.

"Sir, Sergeant Barnes is requesting access."

Tony jerked his head up and hurriedly shoved the list under a stack of expense reports. "You can let him in, Jarvis."

Bucky strolled in, carrying a chocolate-colored puppy with a bow around its neck." Ta-da!" he said proudly.

Tony stared. "You got us a dog?"

Bucky's smile faded. "I thought you...oh, damn, were you talking about a cat?"

"No, no," Tony quickly assured him. "It's just...don't people usually pick out pets together?"

"I know. I just wanted it to be a surprise."

"Well, I'm definitely surprised."

Bucky sighed. "I'll take it back to the shelter and we can pick out another one."

Tony eased the puppy out of Bucky's arms. "Don't worry about it, darling. This little guy will be just fine."

Bucky still looked doubtful. "You're just saying that, aren't you?"

"I'm just surprised, babe. I would have pictured you coming home with a German shepherd or something."

Bucky's lips curved upwards. "Nah. That's Steve's dog. This one's a mutt. Just like me." He ruffled the dog's fur affectionately. "You wanna come with me to the pet store to pick stuff out for him?"

"You go ahead," Tony said. "I've got a couple things I have to do this morning. But, here." He fished his credit card out of his wallet. "Make sure you buy him the best money can buy."

Bucky grinned. "This is nice, isn't it? Having someone else to dote on and spoil. He's going to be the most loved dog in the fucking world."

Tony smiled weakly and tipped his head up to accept Bucky's goodbye kiss. As soon as the lab doors slid closed again, he sighed and adjusted the puppy in his arms. "Oh, honey, what am I going to do with you?"

The puppy whined and squirmed in his arms.

"I wasn't talking about you, you know. Although, I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to do with you either. Never had a pet before. Dad didn't want any animals in the house. So I had to make my own companions." He gestured to Dummy and Butterfingers, who let out happy chirps from their corners.

The puppy barked and started struggling more determinedly.

"Take it easy, will you? I'll figure something out." Out of all the people living in the Tower, someone had to know a thing or two about dogs.

Tony tightened his grip on the puppy and headed upstairs. Luckily, Coulson and Loki were finished with their game and had moved somewhere else. Clint and Natasha had taken their places, watching a spy movie on the big TV.

Clint looked up as Tony walked in. "Whoa," he said. "I didn't know you had a dog."

Tony sighed. "I told Bucky I was looking forward to hearing the patter of little feet in the Tower. So he goes and adopts us a damn dog."

Clint's mouth dropped open. "Why are you complaining? I've told Phil over and over and over again that a dog would make an awesome sidekick and he still hasn't gotten me one."

"You like the dog that much? Well, you can fucking have him then." He shoved the puppy into Clint's arms.

"Yes!" Clint said. "This is my lucky day." He patted the dog's head. "You know what? That's what I'm going to call you. Lucky."

Natasha rolled her eyes. "Hoo boy."


	7. Chapter 7

Tony finished his list after lunch. He was actually pretty proud of himself. Twelve items with baby in the name. And then bib lettuce. That had seemed like a nice touch.

Bucky was out in the backyard, helping Clint put a collar on the dog, but Tony marched right up to him and held out the list. "Babe, can you pick me up a few things at the store."

"Sure," Bucky said. "But it's not going to be for another few days."

Tony wilted. "Really?" He was so tired of waiting.

"I was just out picking up things for the dog," Bucky said, ruffling Lucky's fur fondly. "You could have told me you needed stuff while I was out."

"I didn't have my shopping list ready yet."

"Well, I have it on good authority that Nat's going to the mall with Jane this afternoon. Maybe you can talk her into picking up a few things while she's out."

"Fine," Tony hissed. He stormed back inside.

He managed to corner Natasha down in the gym.

"Nat, help." He waved his list at her. "I tried to make Bucky go shopping for this stuff, but he's too busy with that damn dog. So I guess I need to cook this shit now so all my effort doesn't go to waste."

Natasha snatched the paper out of his hands and studied it. "Now, this is the way to tell your mate," she said approvingly. "I'll help you come up with some dinner ideas."

Tony sighed in relief. "Thanks, Nat. You know how bad I am at cooking."

"We'll find something easy," she assured him. "Something you can mostly cook yourself. But I'll help out a little if you need me to."

He could have hugged her at the moment, but that probably wouldn't have gone over very well. Natasha got weird about physical contact sometimes.

But she smiled and patted his shoulder. "Let's head up to the kitchen and have a look at what we've got to work with."

Tony was pleasantly surprised when Natasha located almost all of the ingredients from his list. Admittedly, he didn't cook that often so he really had no idea what was in the kitchen most of the time.

"This is good," Natasha said as she surveyed everything on the counter. "There are plenty of options. Let's come up with a few ideas and then we can see what you're comfortable cooking."

"Honestly, the only thing I can really cook is pancakes," Tony said. "Weird oval and oblong pancakes. But, hey, as long as they're not burnt."

"Even you can put a salad together," Natasha said. She started scribbling on a notepad. "This will use up several ingredients alone."

"I can microwave a potato," Tony said. He was best friends with the microwave at this point.

"Potatoes, yes," Natasha said, still scribbling furiously. "We have baby red potatoes. But I'm sure we can come up with something a little fancier than just putting it in the microwave. And then we need some kind of protein."

Tony started feeling more and more optimistic as Natasha talked him through each idea. It didn't sound too difficult. And as they talked, Natasha started prepping the ingredients, putting together everything Tony would need for each dish and writing down step by step instructions.

"You can do this, Tony," Natasha said as she slid the bag of marinating meat into the fridge.

He tentatively reached out to pat her shoulder. "Thanks, Nat."

She quirked a smile at him. "Well, Jane will be waiting for me so I have to go. But I can be back in time to help you set things up if you need me to."

"Nah," Tony said. "I can take it from here. You go shop for the next seven hours or so."

She rolled her eyes, but she was smiling as she gathered up her purse and coat.

Tony leaned back against the counter and mentally reviewed everything he'd need to do to make sure dinner was a success. He'd have to put the nice tablecloth on so Bucky would know this was an important dinner, but he'd have to make sure everything wasn't too fancy or Bucky would just think this was some romantic dinner plans. And just because it was dinner for two didn't mean it had to be…

Dinner for two. Right.

"Jarvis, can you contact the others and make sure they'll all be gone for the night? Tell them I'll pay for whatever it is they want to do, as long as it's out of the Tower."

"Of course, Sir." After a moment's pause, Jarvis added, "I have an incoming text message from Agent Barton. He asks if you would be willing to provide transportation for the night as well. He's interested in taking the Porsche 'for a spin', he says."

"Only if he lets you drive," Tony said. He'd seen Clint drive before. And even a stunt driver would probably call Clint's maneuvers dangerous.

"Agent Barton reluctantly agrees to the terms, Sir."

"Excellent. And everyone else?"

"Agent Romanov is willing to extend her shopping trip into a movie and dinner with her friends if you really feel confident enough without her help. Agent Coulson and Loki are already scheduled to attend a performance of the symphony tonight. Dr. Banner is finishing up a sensitive project this afternoon, but he promises to have it all done by tonight. And-"

"And Thor's still in Asgard," Tony finished. "Perfect. Now if Bucky would just get with the fucking program."

"What program?"

Tony yelped in surprise and shot a venomous look at the ceiling. Jarvis was supposed to warn him, not let Bucky just sneak up on him like that and overhear stuff.

"You've been speaking in the most general of terms, Sir," Jarvis said. "Sergeant Barnes continues to remain unaware."

"Oh?" Bucky said with a raised eyebrow. "You working on a surprise for me?"

Tony coughed delicately. "Something like that."

"You buying me a yacht?"

"No, I'm not buying you a yacht. I'm mad at you right now and I don't buy yachts for people I'm mad at."

"You bought Loki a yacht."

"That's different. It's part of our peace treaty. I get him a yacht and a nice little island in the middle of nowhere so he can build himself a secret lair and in return, he stops trying to destroy the world."

Bucky's forehead creased. "Someone should probably check that out. Only villains need secret lairs."

Tony waved a hand dismissively. "I'm sure SHIELD's already on it."

Now that he thought about it, that was probably Coulson's masterplan. Get friendly enough with Loki to be invited out to his secret island and look for anything suspicious. Well, that was a relief.

Bucky took a step closer. "What can I do so you're not mad at me anymore?"

"You'll just have to wait until tonight," Tony said. He picked up an apple from the fruit basket and bit into it as he wandered back down to the lab. He knew walking away like that would drive Bucky crazy, but maybe Bucky would be a little more attentive if he knew how irritated he was.


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: In honor of the troll review on chapter 7, I'm looking for some more mpreg prompts to work on. Because the best way to defeat a troll is to keep doing the thing they hate. So, if you have something you want written, feel free to shoot me a PM or leave a prompt on Avengerkink for me to look at. I'm looking specifically for Stucky, Stuckony, Stony, or Phlint...and maybe Loki, because if anyone would have magical ass-babies, it would be him. I can't guarantee I'll do everything you ask, since there are some subjects I don't touch, but I'm open for negotiations. ^^

Tony began working on dinner a few minutes after five. With Natasha's detailed instructions, it was really hard to fuck up. And Jarvis was there to helpfully time how long things had been in the oven.

After everything was cooked and arranged on plates, Tony had Jarvis call Bucky down to dinner.

Bucky wandered into the dining room, looking a little confused. "Where is everybody?" he asked.

Tony shrugged. "To movies, to clubs, to friends' houses. Who knows? But it's just us for the night." He gestured to the plate he had set out for Bucky. "So I made you dinner."

"You cooked all this?"

"Yep," Tony said proudly.

The corners of Bucky's mouth twitched. "Is it safe to eat?"

Tony folded his arms over his chest and glared.

"I'm teasing you, okay? You always tell me you're a bad cook."

"I am. But this is easy stuff."

Bucky surveyed his plate. "Looks a little more complicated than that."

"Well, it's not." Tony pointed to the plate. "So, there's this salad with baby kale, baby spinach, baby romaine, bib lettuce, slivers of baby carrots, and little cherry tomatoes. And there's mini croutons because I know you like croutons."

"I love croutons," Bucky affirmed.

"And then I just halved these baby red potatoes and baked them in the oven until they were mostly cooked, and then put some baby swiss on top to melt."

"Very nice."

"And a finally, I cooked a nice piece of lamb which, by the way, is a baby sheep."

"I know what lamb is," Bucky said with an amused twist to his mouth. "We did have these things back in my day, you know."

"Probably not how your mother would have made it," Tony said with a shrug.

"So I suppose this was the surprise you were talking about," Bucky said.

"Part of it."

"There's more? Wow. Are you trying to tell me something with all this?"

"Yes," Tony said. He folded his hands under his chin and looked at Bucky expectantly.

Bucky swallowed. "You have something really big to tell me and you're using dinner to break the news?"

Tony nodded.

"It's not a bad thing, is it?" Bucky asked hesitantly. "You are still mad at me, aren't you?"

"No, it's a good thing," Tony assured him. "A very good thing."

Bucky's eyes sparkled with mischief. "So, you're getting me a yacht after all?"

Tony pushed his chair back from the table and made to leave.

Bucky grabbed his arm. "Hey, I'm sorry. You have every right to still be mad at me. I've been hearing everything you've said, but not really listening. And I'm going to do better now."

"Is that so?" Tony sank back into his seat.

"Yes," Bucky said. "And I'm really sorry about the dog, by the way. If I had really listened to half the shit you said about being a family, I'd have known you would want us to pick one out together."

Tony smiled tightly. "There's always next time."

"Right," Bucky said. "Clint's doing such a good job helping me out with the dog that I think I might just let him keep him. Then we can start with a clean slate."

"I'm sure Clint will appreciate it."

Bucky laced their fingers together and brought Tony's hand up to his lips. "I'm not doing it for Clint. I'm doing it for you." He pressed a kiss to Tony's knuckles. "I love you, babe."

Tony licked his lips. "Love you, too."

"So let me make it up to you tonight. Let's finish this very nice dinner and then take it upstairs." Bucky waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

That sounded like a very good idea. Tony felt heady with arousal as Bucky offered him a bite of his potato. He had always had a thing for hot guys feeding him. Usually, he preferred a little less clothes, but he wasn't complaining. He made a noise of contentment as his mouth closed over the fork.

"You're not as bad of a cook as you think you are," Bucky said. "This is actually pretty fucking delicious."

"You'll eat just about anything," Tony murmured around a bite of salad.

"But you made this and that makes it even tastier. Do you know how much it means to have you cook for me? It's hot as hell. I could jump your bones right now."

Tony rose unsteadily to his feet. "Then let's do that. Right here, right now. Nobody's home."

"You have all the best ideas," Bucky purred as he ran a hand over Tony's crotch, tracing the outline of his erection.

Tony moaned throatily and closed his eyes, allowing Bucky to slide his jeans and underwear down his hips. There was the sound of Bucky's zipper and then he was pulled into Bucky's lap, and lined up with his cock. He was so hungry for it. He kissed Bucky frantically as his alpha rocked up into him, his fingers splayed over his hips. And when it was all over and he felt completely content and boneless, he allowed Bucky to carry him up to bed and kiss him goodnight.

He woke up in the middle of the night cursing his libido for distracting him yet again.


	9. Chapter 9

Thor returned the next morning as everyone was settling down to breakfast.

"Greetings, my friends," Thor boomed in a tone totally inappropriate for how early it was.

Tony waved his coffee cup in lieu of a reply. He wouldn't really be awake until he had a couple cups of coffee in him, but since Steve had really been pressuring him to cut back on the caffeine, well, this half-caf shit wouldn't kick in for another few hours.

"How're things in Asgard?" Steve asked.

"My people are well," Thor said cheerfully. "And I see you are all well. Especially Tony. Congratulations, my friend, I am delighted to see you glowing with-"

Tony shushed him. "Yes, I'm great. Fantastic," he said, with a quick glance in Bucky's direction to make sure he was still digging through the pantry for his favorite cereal. He guided Thor into the corner of the room and lowered his voice. "Can you not say anything yet? Bucky doesn't know."

Thor's forehead creased. "Not know? Surely your mate should be the first to know of the happy news."

"Yeah, well, I've been trying to tell him and it hasn't worked out so far." He nervously clasped and unclasped his hands, sneaking another quick peek to make sure Bucky wasn't listening in. "Your people don't have any special way of making pregnancy announcements, do they?"

"Besides opening their windows and shouting the good news as far and wide as they can?"

"Yeah, I didn't think so." Tony rolled up his sleeves. "I'm going to have to figure this out myself."

"Have you consulted the others? I'm sure the Captain-"

"Already talked to him."

"And Nata-"

"Yep."

Thor frowned. "And Bruce had no ideas for you?"

Huh. He hadn't thought to talk to Bruce. After all, the man spent most of his life hiding from the rest of the society. He wouldn't exactly be an expert on family life. But, if Tony remembered right, he had spent some time playing doctor in some third world country, so he had to have seen pregnancy and childbirth at some point.

"Well," Tony said. "It's worth a shot." He stuffed a muffin in his mouth and wandered down to corner Bruce in his lab.

"Brucey bear," Tony said in a sing-song as he rode one of the chairs across the room. "Hypothetically, if a friend of a friend needed help telling their mate about a certain-"

"You want my help telling Bucky you're pregnant."

"How did you know?"

"It's pretty obvious," Bruce said. "I can tell just by looking at you."

"I'm showing?" Tony asked excitedly. He ran a hand over his stomach. It didn't feel like he had gained that much weight. All his clothes still fit him.

"Err, not exactly. But I've noticed other changes. You're eating more regularly, you're drinking decaf or half-caf or going without coffee altogether. And I haven't seen you look this happy since the day you and Bucky mated. You're almost glowing with happiness."

"Huh," Tony said. "Thor said something about a glow, too." So why wasn't Bucky noticing this?

"I don't know why you need my help," Bruce said. "All you have to do is open your mouth and tell him that you're pregnant."

"But that's boring. I only become a mother once. I have to do something a little more special than just telling him."

"I don't know, put it on a t-shirt?"

"Aha," Tony said. His mind quickly ran through all the novelty t-shirts he had ever seen. He remembered a few "Future Mates" shirts. Why not a "Mother-to-be"? It was a little on the nose, but he didn't care anymore.

"Thanks, Bruce," he said, clapping his fellow scientist on the shoulder. "You're a genius."

Bruce smiled faintly. "I try."

Tony scurried back upstairs to search through all the online t-shirt stores. It turned out there was no "Mother-to-be" shirt, which was another outrage Tony was going to remedy as soon as possible. But in the meantime, there was an awesome shirt that said "Babymaker". And because Tony was Tony, the store promised to have it dropped onto the Tower doorstep in the next five minutes.

He hurried back into the elevator and took it all the way down to the ground floor just in time to give the delivery guy a distracted greeting because his attention was far more focused on his package.

Tony didn't even bother going up to his room to change. He simply shucked off his old t-shirt and put on the new one right there in the middle of the den.

Steve was watching a WWII documentary, so he planted himself right in front of the TV and spread his arms wide. "So, what do you think?"

Steve chuckled. "Okay, that's a good one."

"Think it'll work?"

"It should," Steve said. "But at this point, I'm not making any promises."

Fair enough.

Jarvis informed him that Bucky was in the gym, so Tony headed down to see him. Bucky was just finishing up his work-out, so he stayed to the side and watched until he was finished, and then stepped forward to compliment his moves.

"Just a little something new I've been working on," Bucky said with a shrug.

"I've been working on something new, too," Tony said. "Check it out." He leaned back so Bucky could get a good view of his shirt.

"Huh," Bucky said. "Never heard of them before."

"Them who?"

"That band," Bucky said, gesturing to Tony's shirt. "You always find the weirdest indie bands."

"It's not a band," Tony said. He crossed his arms over his chest. "It's just one guy. A smoking hot omega."

"Ah," Bucky said. "Just like you."

"Just like me," Tony said through gritted teeth.

"Well, I'll have to check some of his stuff out sometime," Bucky said as he wiped the sweat off his forehead. "I need some new workout music."

"Right," Tony said with a weak smile. "I'll look something up for you."

Bucky tossed the towel aside. "Hey, I'm going to hit the showers. You want to join me?"

Normally, Tony would have jumped at the chance. So maybe he had a thing for shower sex and post-shower sex. But he just mumbled an excuse under his breath and slunk back to the den in defeat.

"No?" Steve asked with a raised eyebrow.

"No," Tony said with a frustrated sigh. "I just don't know how to get through to him. I've tried subtle, I've tried blindingly obvious. At this point I may just have to say, 'I'm pregnant, dumbass' and forget all the fun ideas."

"Don't give up," Steve said. "We'll think of something."

"How did people do it back in your time?"

Steve shrugged. "I was an only child so I have no idea how my mother did it. And Bucky's mother just told us the stork had brought them another baby."

Tony stroked his chin thoughtfully. He had one more idea left.


	10. Chapter 10

It took a week to set the whole thing up, but by Friday afternoon, Tony was finally ready to set his plan in motion.

With a little bit of whining, he managed to convince Bucky to hang out with him in the den and keep him company while he read over some of the papers Pepper needed him to look at. Everyone else was under strict orders to be elsewhere.

Fortunately for Bucky, Tony had timed it so he would only have to endure for fifteen minutes before the doorbell rang.

"Can you get that?" Tony asked. "Kind of have my hands full at the moment." He gestured to the papers strewn across his lap.

"Alright, alright," Bucky said. He rose from the armchair and padded out into the hallway.

Tony watched as he walked past, appreciating the view. But then he quickly pulled the papers back in front of his face to hide his grin. Oh, he couldn't wait to see the look on Bucky's face.

A moment later, Bucky rushed back into the room, wild-eyed and waving an envelope in one hand. "Honey, you're not going to believe what happened. There was this big fucking bird standing on the porch. Like a heron or a crane or a...or a..." He gestured expansively.

"Stork?" Tony said, hiding his smirk behind a folder.

"Yeah, and it had this letter in its mouth. It dropped it in my hand and then just walked away."

"Huh," Tony said. "Imagine that."

Bucky turned the envelope over in his hands. "It's addressed to both of us."

Tony closed the folder and set it beside him on the couch. "Go ahead and open it."

Bucky tore open the envelope and stared at it for a moment before reading it aloud. "'Dear Mr. Barnes and Mr. Stark, I wish you all the best with your pregnancy and impending birth of your first child. Love, the Stork'." His brow furrowed. "But that doesn't make any sense. Why would we get something like this unless..." He looked uncertain. "Tony, are you actually pregnant?"

Tony grinned.

"Oh my god," Bucky said. "This is...this is amazing." He jumped onto the couch and started frantically kissing every inch of Tony's skin he could get his mouth on. "We're going to be parents. Can you fucking believe that?"

Tony closed his eyes and basked in Bucky's attention. He had spent so long waiting for this moment and it was worth every second.

"And I can't believe you found somebody with a trained stork. I've never heard of anybody making a pregnancy announcement with a live stork. That's something else."

"Well, you know me," Tony murmured. "I'm one of a kind."

Bucky grinned. "That's what I love about you. And I know our baby's going to be just as amazing." He lifted the hem of Tony's shirt to press a kiss to his stomach.

Tony could have happily stayed on the couch for the rest of the afternoon being kissed and cuddled, but Bucky was brimming with energy and kept talking about what wonderful parents they were going to be instead of kissing him. Well, it was only to be expected. Tony remembered how excited he had been when he first found out.

"We have to tell the others," Bucky said. "They're going to be so happy for us."

"Jarvis, call the team into the den," Tony said. He didn't have the heart to tell him that everybody else already knew.

The team dutifully filed into the den.

"Something you want to tell us?" Steve asked, his expression cautiously optimistic.

"Yep," Bucky said. He took a deep breath and then blurted out, "I'm going to be a dad!"

Everybody burst into cheers.

"About fucking time, man," Clint said.

"We've only been mated a year," Bucky said indignantly. "It hasn't been that long."

Tony exchanged a long-suffering glance with Steve. One of these days he was going to have to sit Bucky down for a nice, long talk about whether or not he had some kind of head trauma from his last mission that would excuse his incredible obliviousness. But right now, he was just going to be grateful that Bucky was here with him, able to share in the joy of their baby.


End file.
